Did Ya Miss Me?
Uhhhh, who the fuck actually runs this mutha? You just go dark with no warning?!
I know, I know. We are lame. So here is the skinny--we've been feeling kinda stressed (nothing major, just all the major things) and unmotivated, and weird. But over the past few weeks we have got a few random emails and comments from people saying they wanted more---I mean, I wasn't sure anyone was even reading this shit, but maybe they are? So we figure, there are no rules on the internets---so we will just post when we feel like it and not post when we don't. Hope that's kewl with you.
And luckily nothing too big has happened since my last post. Pffff! #pussygrabbingevilfuck #theworldisending Oh, don't worry--I won't get all political. All I will say, is that I am going to devote my entire life to raising two white men who are tolerant, loving, accepting, kind, and strong. I hope they fight for the underdog, invite the kid who is sitting alone at lunch to sit with them, have a diverse group of friends both in interests and background, and have the self-confidence and emotional intelligence to treat everyone with kindness, love, and respect. Okay, I'm done.
Oh, and I just wanna say---I fucking love my kids. I am completely obsessed with every fart and toe and smile and mispronounced word and hug and belly laugh. I want to eat them for every single meal. But guess what, no one (that I can relate to) wants to hear about that. Unless you are an asshole, you adore your kid(s). So when I complain and bitch about them on here, it is because this is real life shit and parenting is insane and it's nice to have someone to relate to who is also going crazy in toddlerfucktown. And the shitty stuff is way funnier than the late night snuggles and eskimo kisses. I save those for my diary. Okay?
Now, how 'bout them Holidayz ya'll?!
I know there is a huge movement to rage against the Elf on the Shelf, but I'll tell ya what---I'm not strong enough to do it. Anything that can give me even a little leg up on my kids is getting the green light from me. So, Felix joined us before December even hit this year. I finished my last bite of turkey and out he came. Matt read the book to Rex that night so he would be ready for the morning's arrival. I knew he would be so excited. I plopped Felix on a bookshelf and underneath it I hung a large homemade kindness chart that Felix had brought with him, and a note explaining how to earn kindness stars. How fucking cute it that? I knew Rex would love it.
Fast forward to 5:40am and the fun was about to start. "Rex! Let's go downstairs. I wonder if anyone came to our house last nighhhhhht!" He was thrilled. He ran downstairs. Can you see where this is going? He actually fell to his knees when he rounded the corner into the playroom. Instant sobbing.
"No!!!! Where are the presents?! Santa didn't come!!!! It's Christmas Day!!!!"
Oh, fuck. This is my bad.
"No, no, sweetie. It's not Christmas yet. It is the start of the Christmas season! Look, over here, who is this?!"
"Alex?!?!?! He didn't even bring me a toy!!!!" More crying.
"Uhhh, no you idiot, it's FELIX, and he brought you a fucking homemade kindness chart inspired by HRC and you get to do kind things and earn stars and so I feel better about the future of America, OKAY?!?!?!"
Anyone feeling Christmasy yet?!
Since then we have unsuccessfully tried to assemble a gingerbread train, realized that our outdoor electrical outlet doesn't work AFTER putting up all the lights, and Rocky has eaten two ornaments off of the tree. It's really perfect.
And I have upwards of three thousand packages arriving on my front porch every day, because I actually don't have ANY "no" power at Christmas time, and all I want to do is buy things. And don't get the wrong idea, I am not rolling in dough over here. I will likely have to sell a kidney to pay for it all. But I put on that Mariah Carey Christmas station and log into my Amazon Prime account and all bets are off. And I am not afraid of self-giving. You get a sweater, I get revitalash. Everyone wins.
Point is, we are still pretty far out from the big day and I am already broke and my elf is making the kids cry. Can you imagine how much more fun is in store the rest of the month?!?!
Ho Ho Ho. I still got it.