Rex, Rocky, Vivi, and Billy                                                                            

Mommy, My Ear Hurts.

Mommy, My Ear Hurts.

A few weeks ago Rex was up all night tugging and smacking his left ear, complaining that it hurt.  I began dialing the numbers at 8:14am, one minute before the pediatrician phone lines opened to be told “please stay on the line. There are 8 calls ahead of you.” Ummmm---what? I am a minute freaking early.  Who are these eight crazy bitches and how the hell did their fingers move faster than mine? I have really fast fingers. And HUGE fingers. Like, man fingers.  So I basically can hit two keys at once.  Whatever, I was 9th in line.

Appointment gets made, we go, and he ends up getting diagnosed with his first ear infection.  I am told that the meds are being called in and I can grab them in an hour.  At this point, I should be home free, right?  Ear was hurting, now we will have the meds, ear will get better, yay.  OH.HELL.NO. 

I grab the meds and head home to give him his first dose.  I open the package and although I do not know it at the time, I am face to face with the biggest nemesis I have known to date.  Amoxicillin.  “I am pink”, it says.  “I taste like bubblegum”, it says.  I am supposed to give Rex 10ml twice a day.

ATTEMPT #1:  I pour 10ml into the little plastic cup, grab a straw and head over to my already pissed off toddler.  “Rexy, try this yummy magic drink.  It is going to make your ear feel better.”  “No.” “Rex, you need to try it. The Doctor says that you need to drink this to help your ear. It is really yummy. Try it.” “NO!!!!!!!!”---Well, that went well.

ATTEMPT #2:  I mix the bubblegum (which should actually be called bubbleshit, because well, you get it...) into chocolate milk, throw it in a sippy cup, and off we go.  “Here ya go! It’s your favorite, chocolate milk!”  One sip. “NO! Uck! Bleh!” Crying. What’s the matter? You don’t like chocolate bubbleshit milk?

ATTEMPTS #3-6:  Mix in yogurt smoothie, chocolate sauce, hot chocolate with marshmallows, and cranberry juice.  No dice.  Not even close.  I mean, come on! Cranberry basically hides any kind of booze imaginable.  You are telling me this tastes worse than the $6 Zenka Vodka I was drinking in college?  Get a grip. Come on. Bro, just drink it.

I call the doctor.  “Have you tried mixing it with something?”---Wait, you can mix it with things?!?  OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED THAT. Give me chewables. Now.

I pick up the chewables.  The flavor is worse and they are basically the size of a dime. He is supposed to chew 1.5 tablets.  HA. So, I take a knife and grind up the pills into a powder like I have seen drug dealers do in my favorite tv shows.

ATTEMPT #7: “Rexy, remember that time Mommy was making cookies and you took a spoon full of pure sugar while I wasn’t looking and you loved it? Look at this! Mommy has a spoon fulla sugar for you! Come and get it!”  Yeah.  I put the powder on a spoon and then covered it in sugar.  Looking back, this is so insane.  And I put way too much sugar on the spoon.  So he ran over, I put it all in his mouth, and he immediately spit it all out.  I actually caught some of it in my hand and had to stop myself from rubbing it in his face.  Does that even make sense?  Like, at this point I was SO frustrated that I actually almost rubbed wet sugardrugs in my two year old’s face.

ATTEMPT #8-10: Mixed powder into chocolate milk, chocolate sauce, and ice cream.  At this point he won’t even go near me.  I can’t blame him.

Back on the phone, this time only three people ahead of me.  Nurse says I need to pin him down, put liquid meds into the squirty thing, squirt it into his mouth and hold his mouth shut to make sure he takes it.  Sounds fun. Couple things to keep in mind here.  First, 10ml is not a small amount of liquid that I can just squirt into his mouth and get him to accidentally swallow.  It is two full squirty things worth.  Second, my 2.5 year old son is massive.  He is very verbal, very stubborn, and is basically the size of a 10 year old.  We can almost share shoes.  Well, here it goes. 

ATTEMPT #11:  My husband holds him down, while I give the meds.  I squeeze it in and hold his mouth closed.  He turns blueish, coughs, I freak, he spits it all up, and we are both sobbing.

I take him back to the doctor the next day.  Ear is fine.  “It cleared up on its own! 50% of them do! Yay!”

Fanfuckingtastic.

Until next time...

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You Think You're So Cool 'Cause You Can Pee With Your Penis

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I'll Do Better Tomorrow