But It's In The Middle Of The Night
Betcha bottom dollar you don't know that reference. So, I don’t have an ironic story for you today, but I thought maybe two of you would like to hear my experience with a “get your kid to stay in their bed” product. You can totally read all the Amazon reviews like I did, but then you have to sift through all the “this button is hard to press” and “the color is soooo different than in the picture so it’s getting one star” complaints. Did it keep your kid in bed until 6am? Yes or no? That’s all I care about. I was spoiled for two and a half years with a daughter who would go to bed at 7pm and stay in her room until she woke up in the morning and Tom or I got her. Even with the transition to her “big girl bed”, she never got up earlier than six in the morning, which I realize is still painfully early, but there’s a big fucking difference between 5:30am and 6am. Big. Huge.
A few months into being a big girl, I caught her sneaking down the hall…to go to the bathroom! What the…?! She’s peeing in the middle of the night by herself; what a goddamn genius! I helped her with her pants and then it happened. “No! I’m not going back to bed! I’m gonna play.” “Vivi,” I softly whispered, “no, honey, it’s 3am. Everyone is sleeping; your toys are sleeping.” I’m nice and calm, seeeee? Keeping a soothing environment here because inside I am screaming in fits of desperate rage, “Seriously?! Fuck fuck fucking fuck! You have to go back to fucking bed, pleeease, this is insane! I don’t know how to make you understand it is not appropriate at all to be playing dollhouse right now, but you have no fucks to give. You don’t give a flying one if the “sun is still sleeping” (I think Samm and my sister-in-law have both tried that one to no avail). I don’t remember what elaborate promises I made, but she got back in bed. I’m sure it was, “Yeah, you can have chocolate for breakfast and touch all the buttons when the car is turned on.”
The next night, I thought I heard something. When this happens, I basically jump out of bed and only just wake up when I’m standing upright (can I get a witness?). I opened my door and saw Vivi using her star projector night light as a lantern to navigate the pitch black hallway. And an armful of some other unnecessary shit.
It was actually the cutest thing I’ve ever seen, so of course I let her get into my bed. Wrong idea. I fucking know better. But it was already 5am, so why not? She’ll fall asleep for at least another hour, big whoop. Except she didn’t fall asleep, and she got into this terrible habit of stumbling in between 4am and 5am and begging to watch videos in my bed. I was exhausted. I went from it mostly being a sure thing that I’d get 7 or 8 hours of sleep to you’re never sleeping again, again. I had also started picking up some 3-11pm shifts and I couldn’t run on 4 ½ hours of sleep for the day. Good on ya if you can, but I am kind of an asshole mother/wife/human on no sleep.
Tom and I were stumped. WTF are we going to do? This cannot continue. Then I remembered seeing someone post something about her kids buying into this clock that lights up. What the hell was the name of it? Oh hey, Google, heyyy. Now I mean this when I say it, I would surely perish without Google. I don’t even know why people bother asking each other questions anymore. Did you Google it? Come on, don’t waste my time! (And before you judge me, please know that yes, I am aware we are slowly turning into the dystopian society depicted in Fahrenheit 451. Google it). So Google, I use it at least 40 times a day. My most recent searches are pretty standard: “Google”- must have been an accident, “Zara size chart kids”, “80's Care Bears movie soundtrack”, “Zayn Gigi Hadid”, “can I cook potatoes inside whole chicken”, “72cm in inches”, “who shot JFK”. See how much I rely on Google to survive?
Back to my present search, Ahhh, the OK to Wake alarm clock, yes! It looks like a cute little character. A little round ball of magic.
Tom took one look and laughed, “That piece of plastic shit is going to make her stay in bed?” Yes it fucking is or the car is running and my bags are packed. Add To Cart! Thank you, Amazon Prime, for allowing me to never get in my car for anything and to continue my streak of avoiding human interaction at all costs. I waited by the front door for two straight days
“It’s here, it’s here! I’m not going to give you a detailed description of every feature and detail: Amazon. And surely there’s someone pissed off about the lack of power cord, so maybe that answers one of your questions. I shoved some half used batteries in there because I was not prepared for this batts not included deal. The directions were easy enough and I couldn’t wait for bedtime!
Not a lot gets by Vivi, but she’s still very much a toddler. Like I can tell her, “These are MAGIC strawberries,” and then she knows they’re now up to her standards, so maybe she’ll eat them. She could have met this clock with two reactions: a flat out “No, ‘cause I don’t have to” or “Ooooh OK! I like magic ‘cause I love magic!”
Tom put her to bed the first night because I was working, which secretly killed me because I have control issues. Whatevs. He told Vivi that when the magic green light comes on, it’s okay to get out of her bed. So we set it for 6:02am; we’re not greedy. Goodnight, sweet Vivi K.
Well check. this. shit. OUT!…6:02am: “It’s green! The green came on! I got out ‘cause the green came on! Isn’t it so beautiful?” Fuck to the yes, it’s beautiful! You’re kidding me, no!! Why would she wait for the green light to come on?! I don’t even know and I don’t want to. I am not about to investigate. Let that shit be. My friends and family were skeptical, though. Okay, I was too…a little. We needed to give it at least three days to call this a win.
Several weeks later and she’s only relapsed once. Hey, I reserve the right to be wrong about it working for your kids, but all I can say is Vivi is back in her bed and this creepy, green alien globe is giving me my life back.
By the way, I have yet to change the slightly used batteries, but I’d change those muthafuckers every day if it meant Vivi stayed in bed until 6:17am (we’re going slow).