Oops, I'm Late
So I’m late. With my post! I’m late with my post!! Jesus Christ. Like I mentioned last week, it’s not always easy to pump something out, unless you’re working with a hospital grade pump in the mother’s room at MGH. I swear I drained about 7 ounces out of each boob. Proudly, I might add. God I missed that pump during my third run of mastitis with Bill. Anyway, I almost didn’t write a post at all because life, ya know? Sometimes we have tough weeks that have nothing to do with being a mother. I mean it all ties in and comes back around to that, but there’s other shit that I guess compounds the stresses of motherhood. Like pre-kids, if I had a “melancholy” day, I’d at least get to lay in bed all day and watch Netflix. Giving a fuck only about my absolute and total relaxation. We always talk about what it’s like to have the flu or a horrible cold and how difficult it is to muddle through that with our needy spawn. I don’t know if we all talk about how we get through the day when we’re feeling a little depressyyy. I don’t really talk about it, at least.
So today marks one of those sad anniversaries, when someone has died. And honestly, I used to be able to kind of breeze right through these days. What made it worse than any other day, I thought. I was busy or distracted. I acknowledged it for a moment, and then I quickly moved on. But lately some rogue grief wave is smacking me around on these marked days. There are flashbacks, snapshots of some of the saddest moments in my life. Are you aware I’m diary-ing out on you right now? Not diarrhea. D-I-A-R-Y. I usually try to think of others who have sadder stories than myself, but that doesn’t really help me move through whatever the fuck it is I need to move through. So, I just sit with it and feel bad and let it happen, but it’s really REALLY hard to be a mom when this happens.
I have people I can reach out to, and I need to be better about asking for help when I need it. I think I have a fear of help rejection. I usually start out with “Heyyyy, you can totally say no and I’m sure you’re really busy/working/stressed, but is there any chance you could possibly watch the kids for a little bit and I totally get it if you can’t and it’s last minute and sorry for even askinggggg.” I know, I know, get over myself and just ask. I’m working on it, okay?!
I was a mom today with the help of a lot of popsicles, Netflix, the water table, and a hose that ran all day. What’s a water bill? I honestly didn’t think I even had anything to write today. This shit isn’t supposed to depress you, right?! You have your own depressing lives to think about! You’re supposed to read this to escape! But fuck you, this is half my blog, I do what I want! Okay, I take the fuck you back. And your lives are not depressing. Cut me some crazy mom slack.
Anyway, I’m lucky I have some funny people in my life, especially Tom. I was about as sad as Littlefoot from Land Before Time today
and then Tom sent me this:
Billy’s ability to shine in any picture really lends itself to this kind of Photoshop magic. There’s also a Middle-Aged Tourist Bill series that gets me every time.
So there you have it. This was my week. And If you want to laugh, watch the RNC crowd dance in between speakers. Holy God Almighty.
And a shout out to my father, Billy Zappala. We lost a class act, an honorable man, and a devoted dad 13 years ago.