Oh Snap, I'm Gettin' Serious.
So this isn’t going to be like a seriously serious post. But I mean, it’s pretty serious compared to my usual tone. Lately I have been feeling like the noise of life is getting extra loud. I’m talking about all the external shit. The stuff that isn’t my little family, or my closest friends, or the things that I have to put up with like work or grocery shopping. The other day I told Matt that we should move to some remote place where we can just focus on Rex and Rocky. Somewhere with a huge yard on a dead end street where we can just live happily and simply. A few hours later he started sending me links to oversized, underpriced houses down south. God love him. I mean are you kidding me? Obviously I was kidding. I can’t move fifteen minutes away from my mother never mind across the country. But when I was feeling stressed, he was packing his suitcase and was ready to go. That’s some foxhole shit right there.
So, I got to thinking. There’s gotta be a way to quiet the noise without packing up and shipping out. And I think there’s only one place to start. Yeah. You know it. It’s the fucking holy grail. THE iPHONE.
I struggle with this shit so much. I have so many big opinions on how social media and this portable magnified glass into everyone’s lives is so detrimental to everyone’s real human connections, self-esteem, and happiness---and still, I fall right into the trap. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME.
I check my phone upwards of, ugh, I don’t even know. I check it a shitload. I see the things you are doing. You see the things I am doing. I make mental notes of what I am not doing, what you aren’t doing, what you look like, and what I don’t look like. I see your in-your-face political views, and they make me not like you. I see that you liked something that I don’t like, and I feel less connected to you. I see that you didn’t like something that you should have liked, and I wonder why. And I know that when I go out to dinner, or to a wedding, or a party---that I am not getting dressed for the people in attendance. If someone snaps a shot and that shit gets posted, I’m out there on display for everyone with a wifi connection. And don’t get me wrong, I participate in all of it. Probably hypocritically. Because sometimes it feels fun and harmless. But lately, it feels suffocating. I feel like it is taking me away from my real life. I want to be in the moment. I want to be in my real, undocumented, uninterrupted, life moments.
A famous comedian brother person once said, “If you can live your life without an audience, you should do it.” It’s so true. We have created our own stage. And if the pressure feels too much for a thirty something with two kids, how do you think it feels for the thirteen year old girls and boys out there? So last week I de-activated my facebook and snapchat accounts. And I have been working hard to keep my phone out of reach. If someone really needs me, they will call me. Right?
Well, guess what? It has been AMAZING. I still check Instagram a couple times a day, I mean WTF Rome wasn’t built in a day! Or something. But I finally feel like I have this shit in check. Sounds dumb, but my week felt so much better. Who knows how long this will last—or how long I will need it to last. But for now, I’M FREE!
And for the record, I do see the irony of me writing this post here, in “my blog” (ßoh, come on. Get a life) But for some reason I have decided this doesn’t count. Writing once a week about the madness of motherhood doesn’t feel all-consuming or addictive. It doesn’t feel negative or pressure inducting—probably because it feels really honest. Or maybe because it’s about my boys. Whatever. Either way, I see you rolling your eyes, and I get it. But I am ignoring it. Sorry.
And don’t worry, I am not going to go all backwoods hippie on you overnight. Although I have been rebelling against bras and trying to #freethenipple, but that’s a post for another Monday. Well, I think that’s it? I guess I’ll just go be in my weird moments now…