First Day Jitters
Rex has his first day of preschool tomorrow (--or today by the time you read this.).
He is going to an adorable little hippie school with farm animals and lots of outdoor earth play. You know, as opposed to non-earth play, or something. When I was hunting for the perfect spot this little school won my heart and his during our tour. Most of the day is spent outdoors on a farm fully equipped with animals, a tractor, a greenhouse, and some play shit. Total boner for Rex. The teachers are kind and the environment feels safe and unintimidating. So then why the hell do I feel like I want to puke my guts out?!
atHave I mentioned that I have anxiety? Well in case you are new here, Hi! I'm crazy! I was that weird (6 foot tall) second grader who needed to have a special teacher assigned to prying me off my mother's leg kicking and screaming at the beginning of each school day. I was that kid who left all the sleepovers at 8pm because I was "sick", and the eight grader who needed a special chaperone to check in on me during the school overnight trip because I was homesick. And I was the 19 year old pussy sobbing on the curb in Durham, NH my first morning waking up at college because I wanted to go home. I mean, I was fucking COOL, okay?! Whatever. I have anxiety, which tends to really flare up in 'separation' situations. And here we are. Tomorrow me and my favorite three year old are about to really separate for the first time.
I think my biggest worry is him crying at drop off. So for the love of Christ can you all say a little prayer, do a yoga pose, or a little rain dance or whatever the hell might work? Send me some good 'drop-off' vibes. If he is crying and sad it is going to get pretty ugly because I have a shit poker face and I might actually throw up. No, I won't. I really hope I don't.
And save all of your shit about how preschool is going to so good for both of us and he is going to learn so much and he will love it and blah blah blah because I promise I KNOW all of that, and I agree wholeheartedly. But that actually don't help right now. You know what helps? Xanax and alcohol and online shopping. So suck it.
I mean, what if someone is mean to him? What if he is looking for me and I am not there? What if he forgets that he needs help wiping his ass? What if the teachers don't understand his weird toddler accent?
And his new favorite thing to say is "Oh My God", which just feels like a bad parenting badge. And he recently loves mumbling "I hate you" under his breath to be funny because he said it once and I told him it's not nice.
And what about snack time? I mean you can be sure lots of these moms will be packing cut-up cucumbers from their gardens and Rex is gunna show up with popsecret popcorn and fruit snacks because, woof. Should I throw a cute little note from mom in there to say "hi" in case he is sad? I mean he can't read and I don't wanna fucking draw attention to his carbosnack so probably not.
Crazy. It's all crazy and silly and in the grand scheme of life these are such tiny worries. I know all of that. And it's just preschool and it's only three hours, but it is the start of something. Tomorrow my perfect little whackjob is going out into the world without me. And I have to be without him. And after preschool it will be kindergarten and soon high school and before I know it he will be on his way to China to live with his new fiancé who he met on spring break. OKAY?!
Well, back to online shopping. Wish me luck. I'll keep ya posted.