Calling all #BOYMOMs...
I've got two of 'em so far (and no, I am not pregnant). It's whacked out and probably (too) soon gunna be whacked off, so while I have you here for a sec I’m gunna hand out some unsolicited advice. So if you have dude or are having a dude or want a dude, here are ten things to think about…
1. Don't worry about packing up your white clothes after labor day. Just throw that shit away. Wednesday Adams is our new Kate Middleton, ladies. Found a new cute pair of white skinny jeans? Don't bother. You will be covered in puke, dirt, and centipede guts well before 10am and will wind up wearing last nights' pajamas to your friend's cookout. You will be a walking napkin. Sorry.
2. Everything is now unsafe. Awww, you see that cute little girl over there sitting quietly playing with her figurines? No, you don't. Because you are too busy trying to stop your son from climbing on top of the kitchen trash can naked while eating an air freshener. The toilet is now a pool, the oven is a game, and the coffee table is an off-the-ground access route to couch. Invest in all that plastic shit that keeps doors and cabinets shut, grab some of those foam floor tiles, and buy lots of band-aids.
3. Bye Bye Tory Burch, Hello Nike. You think you are running 168 laps around your house before breakfast in ballet flats? It ain't happenin'. And guess what, you aren't going frog-catching in those either. So grab a (cute) pair of sneakers. That way when you are forced to play "rescue mission" through the clothing racks at target with your sirens on (weehhhhhoooohhhh-weehhhhohhhh), you will hopefully keep up.
4. Introduce Outdoor Peeing Conservatively. Listen, I get it. Free-ballin' it out in the fresh air while painting a tree with your piss? Sounds like a dream to me, too! But once you open that door, you can kiss the toilet goodbye. Your son will now be yelling to you from the living room that he needs to go potty while running out to the side of the house where the neighbors are enjoying their dinner. I'm not saying no outdoor peeing, I'm just saying, get ready--because he's gunna whip it out without warning
5. An Excavator is not the same as a Backhoe which is not the same as a Front Loader. Learn your vehicles, because he will, and he will expect you to know them too
6. Grow a Pair. How the hell are you going to be a professional bug hunter if you are afraid of spiders and beatles? Grab your #ladyballs and suck it up. Pick up the spiders, catch the worms, and touch the slugs, because he is not going to stop asking until you do. And come on, you don't want him to think you are a pussy.
7. Boogers are now on the food pyramid--probably somewhere over the carbs and under the vegetables. They are their own food group and they get eaten all day every day. Don’t stop fightin’ the good fight. Nobody wants their kid to be the booger-eater, but let’s face it, the dudes are gross. If they only eat a couple a day, consider that a win.
8. Paint their nails and all that shit. Paint his nails pink and purple and blue because it will make him happy and it’s only paint and they are only fingernails and whoever made up the rule that nail polish is only for girls is lame. Whenever he wants to defy gender norms, go with it and call him awesome. Because being his own person is the awesomest of all.
9. Ignore the Water Ban. Summer a little dry this year and your town is having a water ban? Better stop washing your dishes because skipping the daily tubby is not an option. You thought your college boyfriend’s frat house toilet was dirty? Take a little looksy under your son’s fingernails at about 4pm on any given Wednesday. Your friend will casually mention how she gives her daughter, SuzieMaryButthole, a quick shower every three days just to rinse her hair, and you will be scrubbing your little motherfucker for seventeen minutes just to adequately clean his left big toe.
10. Hold on Tight. While you can, soak in every snotty snuggle and always let him tackle-hug you at full speed. Kiss him on the lips, make him hold your hand even when it’s not a busy street, and smell his dirty feet every time you take his socks off. Pretty soon he will be older and bigger and will be able to fight you off. So until then, hold on for dear life. Because there is nothing in the world better than weirdo, dirty-faced, sticky-butt, little boy love.